I started a new job three weeks ago. I am helping people navigate the healthcare system and get the care they need.

I am bored to tears.

This is not the job I signed up for.

You see, animal welfare is HARD. It has a tendency to take the best of us and chew us up, then spit us out. Shells of our former selves. Tired and emotionally drained we look for a steady paycheck that won’t kill our souls. But I will wanted to help my community. That’s how I find myself on the third floor of a major healthcare company based here in Portland, surrounded by perfectly lovely people, bored to tears.

It’s one of those cool, fancy companies that has a fancy salad bar in the lobby, kombucha on tap, shuffle board on every floor, giant Jenga. It’s a beautiful building, clean working spaces, everyone seems to be friendly and kind. And yet, I feel like I don’t fit in. That I may never fit here.

When I get stressed out, I am used to going into the next room and curling up on the floor with a cat to calm my nerves. I am used to having an office dog. So, understandably, I feel a little out of sorts here. Not just because there aren’t critters running about the office, but that what we are doing has NOTHING to do with animals. And what I am doing is quite frankly dull. I am not cut out to be a concierge service (which is basically what we are doing).

See, I thought taking a job that I was simply ok with would be good for my mental state. I fear I was way off the mark. Not only is it not stimulating, but it’s boring! It isn’t something that I care about. And though I’m trying to find the joy, I just don’t know how I can continue to do this long-term.

Something I need to keep reminding myself, is that this is only temporary. It’s a 3 month contract. When that’s up we will discuss the potential for hiring me on full time with the company. Nothing is set in stone.

Deep breath in. Deep breath out.

I want to love my work. I have spent 15 years loving at least SOME part of my job. Loving my coworkers, our mission, the animals. The idea of doing a job simply for a paycheck is completely foreign to me. I am doing the job to the best of my ability, but I don’t necessarily feel like I’m moving any mountains. I’m stuck. I am struggling.

I want to make a difference and change the world. It doesn’t have to be big and loud or in your face. I honestly prefer to fly under the radar. But I still want to DO something.

So where does this leave me? I’m not entirely sure honestly. I will continue to show up on time, do my job to the best of my ability, and just TRY. I will try to do what I can do be a positive in my community. I will do what I can. And I will receive a paycheck. A paycheck that will pay my rent, and for my dog food and groceries. And I will keep an eye out for something that will truly fulfill me. Because not everything is meant to last forever, and not every job is going to be your dream job. Sometimes, you just gotta do it.